Heart and Soul

You just don't know,

don't you?

To have that burden inside,

hurting throughly for something

which can never be achieved.

Is it possible?

Or have you already decided?

To move on,

for the next best alternative foregone?

You confused me,

Didn't you realize that?

Through your actions

Through your words

Or were it just mere figments that I'm having?

Somehow,

This dilemma,

Or whatever we'd call it,

can be exceptionally painful sometimes.

However,

We do have a choice

We cannot change it

But we can change our perception of it

Nothing more

Nothing less...

Disaster

~MUFY TALENT QUEST 2007~

Did twice for rehearsal that day. Was quite OKAY though my English lecturers said I didn't move much. It looked like I wasn't enjoying. In fact, she used the word 'torturing' Lol?! However, Ivan was saying my movements are okay, compared to ****. Haha! That made me feel much better. Later on, we found out that we were the last to perform. Damn it, I wont be able to see the rest of the performances. I wanted to watch her so much. She did manage to overcome here fear, faced the crowd and did her thing. She sang really really well! Even from the outside. Haha! Finally our turn arrived. Went in, and lol, the crowd.. were really supportive?? Swt. The starting was quite synchronized and went it came to the middle part, I pulled down his pants too much~~ LOL. Omg man, I felt so guilty. I was saying *shit* in my heart.. but just continued like normal. That was worse than us going too fast after the second part and the last part. We finished off quite OKAY i guessed. But it was really bad. I did enjoyed myself though. I wasn't that nervous when i faced infront of soooo many ppl. National Service really helped me alot in this. Thank you. Everyone was cheering like mad! Haha! Especially the part where we pulled down our partner's pants and showing their boxers. @.@ After all our hard work, it finally ended here. Really worth it. Results were announced. We didn't win, I wasn't surprised at all. All I know was May got 2nd placing!! Told ya she's good! Haha! I really felt soo happy for her. She really deserved it. We received a small trophy each as a token of appreciation. So swt.

Had my English Practice Essay today. It's so far one of the worst essays I've ever written. In just 1 hour, we were supposed to write bout 400-600 words. It may sound simple, but I tell u. It wasn't at all. I got pretty rusty after such a long time not using my brain. "If I had the guts to step on the scales". That's what I did. I thought of doing another topic as first, but then.. I changed my mind at the last minute."If I had the guts to socialized with the opposite sex". " and "if I had the guts to give birth".I sort of got it from Knock Up. Hehe.. I think, no matter what, I'll just write what had really happened for my English Test instead of making up stories. Ms Helen commented, "So short". Haha! I know it is, but I really didn't have the clue of what I was writing. Can I say that I was emotional disturbed? Stupid for me to wish for something which will nvr come true. Ppl already moved on. Anyway, it was really THAT short. Hopefully, I exceeded 400 words. Luckily I didn't sit beside Terry. He was writing and writing and writing. I thought sitting next to Tifanny will be better. Lol, it was as bad. In fact, she finished writing after 45 mins and left earlier. Okay, fine. During Accounts class, I just realized something. Omg, It was totally out of topic at the end. Wrong concept. Damn it! It's coz I just simply write some dumb stuffs to fill up the page. I don't want Ms Helen to mark my marks!! Sobz.

I'm really getting tired of my life right now. I can go moody all day, I usually keep some distances from the others, keeping quiet, and do my work without talking to anyone. Who wants to entertain a person like that? I dunno, today had had been really lonely. She was talking to that whole bunch of gang, while me standing at the side. I'm just tired. I don't feel like talking to my friends today. They did try to talk to me, I guessed I just gave them a cold shoulder till they prefer talk to others instead of me. Who ask me to be ultra sensitive? I want them to come to me, instead of me following them. I want them to just be with me. I was jealous all right, they made me feel so out and lonely. Especially when I see them link arms. I noe I don't do these kinda things, but if someone wants to do that with you, u will always do it right? Do they even care bout how I feel bout this? I really need support now. I noe, it's my own fault for not trying to get close to them. Ever heard of too late? I need someone whom I can confide to. Even if I did find a person, I will still never express my feelings though. I need something which can make me happier. I want to go back in time, and just live the way I used to live. If I continue feeling like this, I will surely break down one day. I cant believe I just ran away from ***. I really am sorry but I need to be alone for awhile.

~Teen Hoppers~


~Our Trophies!~


~With the 2nd Runner Up~

Far Away

I suppose to practise my dance steps..so why am i here? @.@ Haha.. I just feel like jotting down some of my thoughts in here. Last Sunday was really fun. Erica, Tom, Terry and I went to Ts to buy our outfit. It's gonna be very simple; white t shirt, black sleeveless top, and a pair of black pants + extra accessories But it's really cool. Made me looked so boyish, according to what my sis said. After the guys left, Erica and I practise a lil while at 6th floor, near the arcade. Luckily her dad wasn't stalking us that time.. Excuse me, I'm not gonna dance in front of her dad. So we discussed bout the steps..it was really nice, and I kinda looking forward to it. Hehe!

• I followed his advice, and I'm loving it now. I don't feel as lonely as I used to anymore. Now, I sit next to Tiffany during Economics. I feel so much better. However, either I feel tired, or the subject is getting more boring day by day. I was practically yawning throughout her class.
• During Maths class, I will just do my work without even bothering to talk to her. She and Shavika can just blab all they want. All I know is, I have to finish. And I must score for the upcoming test.
  
• The guy from my Csc class, which I noticed kinda *** (used to), dyed his hair again. Omg, his hair now is flaming red in front. Immediately I lost interest towards him. He is not like the rest of his friends though coz he is the one doing his work, listens to the lecturer and sits in the first row while his friends sit behind him.
  
• We no longer sit in front of the class for Acc. It's coz the aircond in that room is bloody cold. U can just freeze in an hour's time. Now, Mabel and Erica sits together whereas I sit with Janice.

On Monday, he brought his tarot cards. Lol, he actually remembered! And, I didn't realized he ate so fast that time coz of me till he said so. So touched. Haha! I asked Erica to ask him first, and the first question was..

Does *** likes another girl?"
Wat the ****?!?!?!
He was like..."What??"

I dunno, it felt really awkward. I got the feeling that I know the answer.. yet.. I dunno. Yeah, perasan case, thanks to Ccy. Lol. I just pretended nothing had happened though. He somehow predicted correctly, which was....Lol! I was really shocked when I first heard that sentence. Erica was saying.. "Oohh!! I know who is that girl already" She was smiling all the way. Erica, how could u do this?!?! I can't believe u just put him right on the spot.I wanted to know the answer..but I just kept my mouth shut. I don't want to be the ****. Like I said, I will NOT let it happen. The second question was.. will her relationship with A last? All the stuffs he predicted was so true. Aaron kept on repeating this game is plain bullshit. I don't agree at all. I don't think none of us did. I know he believes in it. Erica did too. After he finished hers, he asked me. Lol! I don't wanna ask that question no more. Not in front of everyone! Aaron was asking for me

"Anyone she likes now in Mufy?"

Lol! I thought it will help when Andrew (another Andrew) came along, No! I was SO wrong.

"I know who.. with the Capital T".

What the **** again?!?! Then, I started realizing...something is happening. I knew Andrew noticed this during M'sia Studies. I dunno bout the rest, till Erica told me. I got really shocked again. How can he ask Tom to ask that question?? Omg! And what he predicted once again, quite true. I know I cant deny that, but I just don't wan to believe it. I mean, it's really wrong okay. I'm not suppose to feel this way. Btw, the msg Tom sent was supposed to send to Erica, not him. Erica said he got really worried when I found out. Lol. he didn't know I got worried when I know the truth. Tom asked him that day.. "Do you ***?". He was saying.. "I dunno". Well, II gotta keep a real far distance from him. The further the better.

Untitled

• We had a day where everyone supposed to wear either red, green or yellow which was called Traffic Day. Seeing lots of ppl with those colours was really weird. Actually I knew that there's gonna be an event which were posted on notice boards before but I wasn't bothered to know bout it till that day itself. So, I showed up with blue and white. Lol.
• Red - Taken
  Green - Single
  Yellow - Complicated


• On Thursday, we had a photo shoot for the upcoming college's brochure. Nope, I didn't participate.. wasn't interested in it. Imagine looking at my own pretty face in the brochure. Eww...Never~ Puan Norli came to our class and chose a few very Chinese, Malay and Indian looking. Lol.. Marcus and Shavika were selected. All they gotta was to give their best smile in front of the camera. Pretty cool huh? =) My mom was asking me how come I never go for it? If she were me, she would be the first in line. Lol, I will never ever do that. Besides, I don't really like that kinda thing.

• Everyday is just college, study, practise dance, online and sleep. Have to go college early every single day so that the train wouldn't be so packed. I once left my house at 7.15am, and...swt. After I reach KJ station, I would take the bus to Pyramid, and walk about 9mins to college. Well, my first period is Economics. I usually enter class just before it starts. So, I often feel very lonely whenever they sit together and chat, which is always. That's the time when they nvr even bother to entertain me. It's coz, I usually concentrate during lessons...so, yeah. That might be it. I hate this kinda feeling. It usually happen bout 3 periods a day. During Economics, CSC and Acc class. No matter what, I will never get the chance to sit in the center. Not that I mind, just that...I dun have the chance to talk to M as much as her. Whenever after class, they will continue to talk, leaving me behind them, or just beside them...looking miserable. Enough is enough. I don't wanna give a damn anymore. I tried making friends with another gal in my class, Tiffany. I think I'll just sit next to her in class during our next lesson. Maths is okay.. just that I regretted changing class. My current teacher wasn't as good as my previous one. She's really nice and all, but I still prefer Lattif's solutions on answering questions. He might be fast, but his ways are still understandable, not as complicated. I sacrificed Maths coz of my English teacher, Ms Helen. She's so lively everytime.. making jokes and making us laugh. She's way much better than Ms Angela. Next is CSC. Once again..the same feeling. But it wasn't as bad as Accounts. The 3 of us usually sit in front together in class. Whenever there's class work whatsoever, she will just ask her, instead of me. Omg.. I really hate it. M was saying to me.. today yen yen so quiet. Lol, U know wat i wanna answer? It's because of both of you. U guys.. never even bother bout me. Don't be mistaken, I DID make an effort to, but it just didn't happen. I want to tell them all these feelings I'm goin through.. but wat am i suppose to say?? I don't want them to force themselves.. I want them to come to me.. on their own.

• I want Meena, Tom and Terry back! I want us all to be in the same class as she and I. That's y I love M'sian studies. The place where we could all gather and just joke around. I just want them, and that's it! All I want is someone to care bout me, someone who cares bout my feelings.. is that so hard? I may not talk much, but I still care okay. I've been through this before. I don't want it to happen again. It sucks all right. However, there's someone who had helped me alot in this matter.. Lol, I tell more stuffs to him than the rest of my friends. One of the reasons is coz I go back with him everyday. He always makes me feel better, sticking by me. He might not know but I really appreciate it a lot. Lastly, Tom, I dunno whether u did that on purpose or not.. but I had a slight feeling that u did. There's no possible way u will write his own name when u were supposed to send to him. To back things up, I didn't sms u the day before..and u were replying him right? @.@. No worries, it will never happen. In fact, I will NOT let it happen. Lol.

First time

We didn't get the chance to practise the day before the audition. Lol, yeah.. was kinda pissed at her for that. She's the only one who knew the steps and the counting, while the rest of us were abit blur about that. So I practise a lil while with them and they headed back to class. The next day, we had our first audition. Erica and I had 4 classes straight. Shit~ I was kinda nervous when it came to our turn. We were the 2nd to perform. At least ppl clapped when after we finished. It really sucks.. and we were not coordinated, and we went TOO fast. Lol, the worse part was, we just danced 1/3 of the entire song. Damn man, I dun think we can make it to the finals. The rest were doin so well, Reema and Shavika, Josh and Marie, etc. There are lots of guitarist over here. One of them sang You and Me by Lifehouse. Nice~ Then came in this gal, she was extremely shy. She sang and played her guitar halfway, and she stopped. She said "Can I go now?" Haha! She was really GREAT. I love her soooo much. Omg! I'm so les. T.T But Meena said, I'm not les.. just that I admire her talent and her voice, that's all. She reminded me alil of myself, trying to leave her shell, and to perform in front of everyone by herself. It's like.. if she can do it, why cant i? I wanted to know her, and that song. Lol. Our judges were our English lecturers, plus that globalisation lecturer. They will be eliminating a few groups to those who did not perform as well as the others. After the audition, we practise for awhile. Did extra few steps so that we can combine it together when the song changes, and exchanged our partners. Finally, I reached home around 9, and i'll be having my first assessment the next day. Great. Im so dead. And tired.

I have only one class on Thursday. Nothing much, just study like nuts till the last minute. Maths test took place in the Monash Block. I was thinking, how are they gonna fit us all in 3 rooms? When we first entered the room, everyone was so shocked. Hehe, the classroom was really big. I sat in between Meena and Erica, in front of Terry and behind Josh. The paper was much easier than I had expected it would be. Most of the questions were similar to the ones we did in Latiff's class. Just before one hour, ppl were starting to leave. Some were chatting, coz I think most of them were done. I was signaling Meena to leave earlier. She.. "Wat?" extra loud. Haha! Omg, we cant stop laughing. I gave my paper earliest to the lecturer and the rest followed. Lol, just like how Meena, Erica and I did when we entered the hall first during our orientation. Tom didn't have the time to finish. He wrote his workings till there's no space. And Me? I drew my graph, wrote the intercepts and labeled it. That's it.. Swt.

Now looking forward to the talent quest and be done with it. We're so gonna humiliate ourselves in front of 250 ppl in Audi 7.

L.O.V.E.

It's just been a week plus since I last posted, so many things had happened till I really dunno where to begin. I wanted to post earlier, but there isn't enough time to blog. I guess I start off with the outing on Sat. I actually asked kl only to go out with me on that day. She would be the only one who will really appreciate it, compare to the rest. In the end, I did ask the rest too but all rejected though. T.T Damn sad, so seldom I get to organize outing like this. Anywayz, I met up with Tom first. He wanted to watch Rogue Assassin. Lol, what is that? Not interested at all. Haha! But nvm, I just follow since he just got knocked out at OIAM audition, I was actually kinda glad that the tickets were sold out. Walked around a lil while, passed by the audition room. (Not many ppl? @.@) and went for the And1 event. Had lunch together with kl at Kopitiam after that. (Ahhh.. I saw Sek Hou at ts!?!?!).

Later on, we went to court 3 to meet Terry. I saw someone looking like that Malay guy from my English class, sitting down with his friends. I was like.. it cant be right? Omg, it's true. Razi, or Razee was actually participating in this And1 also. Haha! So coincidence.

We waited there for awhile and then Terry's group turn. He was super rough when he played streetball that time. Oh, they won the first round by 11-1. It suddenly reminded me bout the first round mx, kl and sy played. I rmb I was really nervous for mx. We used to be so close.. I loved the times when she and I eat sai mai lou together, popular, that present etc. Omg, I can still rmb jin said everyone knew mx always stick with me. I wonder how is she now? Anywayz, we watched his second game. Their 15mins was like 5mins. Bloody fast and rough. I did step back a lil when they came close to the barrier thingy. I really hoped that they will win you know. The feeling wasnt really like last time though, this time it felt scarier. It wasn't the same like how I watched the gals played few years back. Unfortunately, they lost. Terry was so sad and wth? He was kinda blaming himself of the mistakes he did, esp when he didn't score. Better not disturb him.

After they went back, we continued watching. Freestyle competition, if im not mistaken. And finally after break, which lasted for a few hours.. we watched Razi played. I know kl love basketball, but i wasn't so sure bout Tom. Lol, he looked a lil bored? Or was it blur?? Oh, one of his members got hit by the ball right at his nose. His nose was bleeding like mad. T.T Ouch. I kept saying omg omg in my heart. Haha! I can just feel the pain. Even with his bleeding nose, he continued. And they WON! Yeah! That's the spirit!! We didn't realized it was actually 3pm+ already. Was too into the competition.

Kl, Tom and I went to Sg Wang, and guess what? We saw Daniel, John and Wen Li Ming!! Haha! Tom said KK was there also. Wow! First time I get to see Malaysian stars so close. Daniel Wen sang his Siapa. He made me love that song soo much. I gone a lil crazy like those big fans out there. Taking photos, and even recorded part of his song. Heart balloons and roses sold for $2 each will be donated to SPCA. My sis asked me before whether I will ever get excited seeing any Malaysian stars. I certainly know the answer now. Been meeting stars for 2 days in a row now. =) And Strawberry Sundae is still the best! Lol.

Note : Thanks for accompanying me. ~L.O.V.E~

Cover On My Heart

His words got me thinking that time. I feel it's like so true, but yet... I don't know. I cant just be myself, I don't even know who am I. Easy for you to say, but it's always has been easier said than done right? I care bout how others feel or think bout me. I acted like I don't care but I really do. Why does it always has to be like this? Why can't I be like others; others who are more ****. I don't want to him to dread coming with me. That's why i prefer to be alone. Why can't I be more like her? She can just chat bout anything to anyone. Lol, I admit I'm a little jealous. She can easily tell stories bout her life to others, she can easily get ppl's attention. I feel like I'm just a shadow to her u know? Sort of second best or something. I actually felt happy when he msg me instead of her first. But the others...?? Lol, I also admit I do feel hurt and lonely sometimes, especially after we bought The Outsiders, after I returned home earlier, and especially after classes. Somehow or rather, I feel she always wants to sit in the middle, I wanted her to move.. but she would just stay at her place no matter how little space I have to go in. Wth? What kind of friend am I? Talking behind her back. Is this called backstabbing? =X But undeniably she's a really really good friend though.I got to know a guy, Joel in the bus today. We went back together. He's a really nice guy. =) It's easier to communicate with him, even though I knew him for like few minutes?

Anywayz, Joel's passion is to get to know more about ppl, what's within us, and help them. So touching. It suddenly reminded me bout A Walk To Remember, where her passion is to witness a miracle. Her miracle was that main character, how she had helped him from being bad to good. I love love that movie so much..really beautiful.. She's so lucky to have a guy like him.Talking bout the other guy, my god, I don't want him to go back with him. What if there's no topic to talk about? What if we just stay silent throughout the journey? What if he finds me really boring? Either we just don't click, or I hardly know him yet, or maybe coz I kept on comparing myself and her. The good thing is, I don't feel awkward anymore when when there's just 2 person. =) So KL, I already overcome one of my weaknesses.

Merdeka!

I love meeting up with my secondary sch friends. Just hang around, chat, camwhore (Lol) and the best part is, no need to worry bout anything else. =) We stayed overnight at Squirrel's house with the rest of them (excluding Jin and Lin). After my driving class, SJ picked us up from Ampang Park Station to her house. Wow~ her driving skills SO geng! It's like she's been driving for years! Haha! Or maybe mine is bad thats all. I got to know a new gal, Jan. She's studying at SyUC, but taking ADP though. Hee, I noe more and more ppl from my coll now. Love it~ Later on, we had dinner.. bla bla bla. With Jin not staying, I just feel a lil weird. I mean like, KL and SJ for sure, Nar and Jan.. what bout me? I wanted Jin to stay, but I cant stop her from doin things that she wants. Haih, I didnt really want to go out just to watch fireworks, coz it's been a really tiring day for me, but when Nar did her facial expression, I just cant resist. Lol, Like the puss in boots in Shrek =) Plus, that's one of the purposes we met up, besides SJ's Lunar Calender thingy. Oh yeah, there's one tiny thing. Can you please never ever to repeat that sentence over and over again? It's damn bloody hell annoying. So what? This is I wanted. Right? Lucky u I controlled my feelings by not saying anything at all. Oh, and thanks to someone for being really understanding, she might not even know, but I really appreciate it alot.

Half and hour before 31th Aug, SJ's dad send us to Little Genting. It's a place where u can see the whole city from the peak. Driving up there was like..I dunno how.. Lots of cars were before us. Some even left their cars in the in the right lane and walked up. He asked us to walk up the slope, just a short distance only. Luckily, we didn't. Right after 12am, the cars around us hon and stepping their accelerators hard. Lol, where's the fireworks? They were looking out for it, Cars in front of us started leaving from the queue and left the area. SJ and her bro were asking their dad to just leave as well, no point waiting for so long. But her dad insisted on goin up. That's fine by me. Finally, around 2.30am, we reached. We camwhored alot. (as a group) The scene was so damn beautiful. I didnt know KL would look like that at night. Been underestimating my own country for years. Things changed though. After 1 last shot, we went to McD for supper/breakfast. Finally, back to SJ's house. We just chatted bout everything in the dining room. I wonder, did Jan feel left out? Coz our topics wasnt really have anything to do with her. Nothing much the next day. Just had breakfast and lunch at Jimmy's Place.

Overall, it's been a really great day. =)